Insider info on life as a reality TV star

In a comment on the previous post, Jason AKA Scattershot expressed interest in some insider-level content, opining that readers would be interested in knowing more about me now, and what it is like being disliked by the majority of viewers America’s hottest reality TV star. Well, I have to say, it’s pretty awesome.

Yesterday, Bridget and I were walking through the Gallery mall on Market St. in Philly, and we reveled in our secret knowledge that if anyone in there had watched Here Come the Newlyweds, we would be instantly recognized and lauded for our hardware-store-can’t-say-the-word-to-describe-the-item game skills. Excited celebrity spotters may have even repeated back one of our snappy catchphrases, such as “we’re just a rock and roll couple, we say what we want” or the ever-popular “last time my butt saw that much action, well... I spent some time in prison.” The T-shirt graffitoists at the mall would surely enjoy airbrushing one of those gems onto an oversized T.

Friends and family have been clamoring for our attention as well. All of a sudden we’re being invited to second cousins’ funerals, warehouse groundbreaking ceremonies, and even pool parties! It’s like, we want to get to know you better and share our lives with you, but are you just taking advantage of our newfound fame, trying to make yourself look like a big shot? We might start charging a base appearance fee. We’ll see.

And here’s what you’ve all been waiting for. The dirt. Who likes who, who said what to whom, who thinks who is a nugget snatcher. Well, I’m not going to name specific names, but there is DRAMA going on, even now, even though filming has wrapped. It’s so intense. Like, after Monday’s episode, XXXX called XXXX “big-butt hands” on Facebook. And it seems like maybe the XXXXs are having some relationship issues. And we have some babies on the way! It’s just really wild, and I can’t believe you don’t know what’s going on. It must kill you to be on the outside.

Pat Bullard has actually had to step in a few times to smooth things out between some couples. He's still in charge of looking after us, even though we're not living in his house anymore. He had to scramble to break up a fight that was brewing, apparently two husbands had decided they needed to settle something in a manly fashion, and were going to meet halfway to punch each other. Pat ironed it out right before they bought their plane tickets.

But, I will say that it looks like the Iengs and the Huffmans will be bruncheoning this weekend somewhere in Philly. Ok I’ll give you a hint… it’s in No Libs. I can only imagine the media circus this is going to create.